I have the worst Seinfeld ticket money can buy

I can't afford $849 for the front row. So here's where I'll be sitting when the comedy giant comes to town next year.

I’m not sitting at the front. There’s no way I’m sitting at the front.

For starters, I refuse to pay (and cannot afford) an admission fee of $849.90.

Yes, that’s how much it will set you back to sit at the front of Spark Arena for Jerry Seinfeld’s stand-up comedy show in Auckland on June 24.

Just buy a ticket a few rows back, I hear you say.

Sure.

Those ones are $799.

Go back further?

OK.

A fee of $475 still seems like a heck of a lot of money to see a comedian who, at his last show here in 2017, spent much of his 90-minute stage time breaking down exactly what it took for you to get there.

That bit included a lengthy discussion about the process of buying a ticket to see – you guessed it – Jerry Seinfeld.

To me, spending $475 on a Jerry Seinfeld ticket is no laughing matter.

Anyway, let’s go up into the stands.

Are you sitting down for this?

Because I have some bad news.

Here’s how much a ticket in the middle of Spark Arena, for a plastic seat that you’ll need to angle you legs sideways on so you can see the stage, will cost you.

WTF?

Look, I get it. Concert tickets are expensive these days.

I’ve already raged about the $190 tickets for Limp Bizkit’s (sold out!!!) Spark show next weekend, and marveled at rapper 50 Cent charging $424.90 for his December performance in the same venue.

But $600 for middle-of-the-arena tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld seems somewhat extreme.

Anyway, let’s keep looking.

Down the back.

Surely that’s where I’ll find Seinfeld tickets within my limited budget.

Bada bing!

Now we’re getting somewhere.

But even $240 is a lot of money. If we’re going that far back into the bowels of Spark Arena, we may as well go all the way back.

Let’s see how much tickets are right up in the very top tier, the place where Spark Arena’s seats are on such a steep incline if you spill your drink you’ll splash at least 25 people sitting below you.

It’s here, right in front of the black curtain shielding punters from the venue’s metallic inner walls, that I found a ticket that I’m willing to buy.

$100!

I bought it.

So, come June 24, I will be cautiously asking an usher for guidance to find Section 19U, Row UU and seat 754 and attempting not to trip and end up in hospital so I can tick Jerry Seinfeld off on my stand-up comedy bucket list.

I hope they have very big screens installed so I can get the most out of my $100 (+$15.25 in fees).

See you there?

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What got you through the week?

I’m doing OK. I hope you are too.

Along with buying a Jerry Seinfeld ticket, I also bought a ticket to see Scottish noise-rockers Mogwai at The Powerstation, so here’s to buying concert tickets for events that are very far away.

Here’s everything else that got me through the last seven days.

• Hera Lindsay Bird! Her writing always leaves me floored (and asking myself why I even bother). She’s delivered the only Kim Hill tribute package you need to read. I have read this three times and I will probably do so again. Sample quote: “Her voice, like an evil, chain-smoking mermaid in an underwater dive bar.” Incredible.

• John Campbell! The marvelous broadcaster’s JC tryna be alive Spotify playlist has been on solid rotation as I work from home, recover from a cold and wait for this weather to heat up enough to begin daily swims again. It just hits that sweet spot, a perfect soundtrack no matter the day or the vibe.

• Journalism! I loved this NYT ($) piece on accused comic Russell Brand. (I emphatically do not love Russell Brand.) It’s amazing seeing a reporter stack up information like this, the journalism equivalent of a hawk using its talons to tear flesh from a piece of roadkill.

• More journalism! André 3000 is releasing a flute album (I listened this morning and found myself kind of mesmerized?) and GQ is there to ask him why the Outkast legend isn’t rapping anymore. “I’m 48 years old,” he says. “I got to go get a colonoscopy. What are you rapping about? ‘My eyesight is going bad.’” LOL.

• Finally, if you’ve haven’t seen Reservation Dogs, you should correct that immediately. I wrote about why over on Dan Slevin’s excellent daily Substack newsletter Funerals & Snakes, where he offers regular updates on the best things to stream on TV. Honestly, Res Dogs is TV’s best hang and I’m gutted it’s ending.

Okay, now it’s over to you! Let me know what’s helped you get through the last seven days. Whatever it is, let me know. Sharing, after all, is caring.

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