If Lorde isn't headlining Laneway, who the hell is?

A summer festival forecast delivered from the depths of winter.

Kia ora!

The windows teem with condensation. The deck is too slippery to walk on. Nothing will grow in the planter tubs outside. The laundromat is taking too much money off me. It is most decidedly winter and in Tāmaki Makaurau there are reminders of that everywhere you look. It has rained “most days” since the beginning of May, according to this Stuff report. Most days! It feels like it. To survive, I rotate through three pairs of shoes. The ones that get worn are the ones that are least wet.

This is the time of year when summer festival promoters usually pounce. They want us to plan, to dream, to believe in better, warmer, happier times. This is when their social media pages flood with happy festival punters flinging partners onto shoulders and throwing their hands in the air. It’s when summer line-ups begin landing one after the other, teasing tickets that tempt big names and huge performances, hoping we’re all sick to death of eight-degree highs, Netflix binges and slow-cooker meals.

The sun sets at an ultra-hot Laneway. Photo: Supplied.

So, sitting here shivering, it strikes me as odd that we’re hurtling towards August yet have zero summer festival line-ups confirmed. Many haven’t even announced whether or not they’ll return next year. Bay Dreams and Splore took 2025 off. Will they come back in 2026? We don’t know. What we do know is there’s no Juicy Fest or Timeless Tour. Listen In/Out has cancelled its 2025 event. Fridayz Live has become an Australian exclusive. We have one stadium show confirmed, and that’s Metallica in November, which doesn’t even count as summer! The big gig apocalypse is in full effect.

This sucks! To cope, I’ve been casting my mind forward, trying to anticipate who might make it here, who could headline the festivals that should make it to our shores. My first prediction felt like an easy one: Lorde would headline Laneway. She’s done it before, she fills that Charli XCX sweet spot that was so successful last year, and Virgin is such a raw, glitchy wonderland she’d pull all ages in. This felt like such a simple forecast to make. I told everyone I know I believed it was so. Didn’t happen. As we now know, she’s doing her own tour. (Wellington is mad at her).

So, if the Lorde not cometh, who is headlining Laneway? I put this to my work mates recently and sparked a furious debate that stretched out for an hour. Some names emerged: Sabrina Carpenter, Doja Cat, Chappell Roan, Haim, Turnstile, Wet Leg and Fred Again all popped up. Could they? Maybe? Haim and Turnstile were both due here in 2023 before Western Springs flooded and Laneway was called off. Wet Leg have been here twice before, and their new album would help deliver a great summer rock show. Fred Again? Too big? Same with Chappell Roan? Doja Cat? Too rude? Sabina Carpenter? Maybe?

It’s tough! Forecasting is hard! It’s why I’m not a music festival promoter. But there’s no harm in guessing. So, today, I want to turn this over to you. Which artists do you want to tour this summer? Who do you need to come here? Who do you think will headline Laneway, or Electric Avenue, or Rhythm & Vines, or Northern Bass? Quick! Let’s start some spurious gossip and spread some rumours. The sun is out as I type this, but it can’t be long until it starts raining again. Let’s dream!

Bonus beat.