PSA: Don't play Cardi B's new song around your kids

Learn from the mistakes that I made...

The first time I heard Cardi B’s WAP, a pop song so horny it should come shrink-wrapped in a condom, I was doing the dishes. My son was building a two-storey Lego house on the floor of the lounge, and my daughter was reading a book about witches on the couch.

Welcome to dad-life.

Anyway, I wasn’t listening that intently. I had a bit of a giggle when Cardi B started rapping about “kegals” and parking “a big Mack truck right inside this little garage”. And I nearly spat out my coffee when she crammed in a reference to, “That lil' dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat”.

I mean, come on. That’s pure genius.

Then it came to the chorus, a hook so sexually charged you will absolutely never hear it on high rotate on upcoming ZM and The Edge playlists. I can’t repeat what ‘WAP’ stands for in a family-friendly newsletter like this, but I assure you I grabbed my phone and immediately skipped to the next track so the kids didn’t start asking me questions.

If you want to hear the whole thing yourself, well, here’s the video. But be warned, it’s exactly what you imagine it will be, and a whole lot more …

Anyway, I didn’t turn it off because I don’t like the song. WAP is brilliantly executed, full of sick syllables and hilarious one-liners and tongue-twisting brilliance. In just the few days since it debuted on Friday, it’s easily jumped over the already pretty high bar raised by songs like Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda and Ty Dolla $ign’s Or Nah for x-rated A-list sex jams.

None of this would work if all WAP had was some lines about doing the deed. But it’s sooo much more than that. The beat, which samples Franki Ski’s 1993 song Whores in This House, slaps, and it slaps hard. Cardi B builds her gags from line to line like a stand-up comedian composing a best-of set. Megan Thee Stallion begins her guest verse with the words, “Gobble me, swallow me,” and it only goes downhill - literally - from there.

The whole thing reminds me of how, at the age of 14, me and my mates would pass around a cassette tape of As Nasty As They Wanna Be, the third album released by Miami rap group 2 Live Crew. I hid it in my T-shirt drawer, and only removed it when I was home alone, blasting songs like Me So Horny as loud as I dared.

It seems positively tame in comparison to WAP, a song that delights in being as filthy as it can possibly be. I have no problem with that. In fact, I can’t wait to blast it again. The only difference is that this time, instead of waiting for my parents to leave the house, I’ll have to wait until the kids go to bed.