Ten complaints about that terrible Wonder Woman sequel
Holy smokes, Batman, what a complete screw-up.
Congratulations! We made it to the end of another weird and wonky week, and these days, that doesn’t always seem to be a given. I thought I’d spend today picking apart something else that’s weird and wonky - that absolutely bonkers Wonder Woman sequel. Because it is absolutely balls-to-the-wall LMFAO nutso. Let’s go…
Somewhere close to the end of the absolutely punishing super hero movie Woman Woman 1984, Pedro Pascal’s villain Max Lord stops and says something agreeable for the first time in more than two hours.
Dressed in a baby blue game show host suit with a crooked grin and Brylcreemed hair, Lord turns to his young son and says: “I promise you, one day everything will make sense.”
It won’t. Because it can’t. In Wonder Woman 1984, the sequel to the absolutely delightful butt-kicking 2017 original, nothing makes any sense at all.
Barely anything in this preposterous, calamitous, diabolical sequel is even remotely on point.
Were the creators high? Was everyone involved on copious amounts of drugs? Because this is the movie equivalent of Be Here Now, a sequel so high on its on supply, one that goes AWOL so often, with its head simultaneously stuck in the clouds and up its own butt, it seems like the only logical explanation.
How bad is Wonder Woman 1984? Let me count the ways…
(Major spoilers follow…)
A fucking wishing stone?
The main plot device of Wonder Woman 1984, the thing the entire film revolves around, is a wishing stone. A stone. That grants wishes. Like Aladdin. Or a fairy Godmother. But it’s a stone. Sorry to harp on about this, but it’s just a stone. A FUCKING STONE. It’s not even a good looking one either.It needs more Cyndi Lauper
It needs more Cyndi Lauper
As the title suggests, this sequel is set in the ‘80s, a decade ripe and ready for riffs on big hair, synth-rock and Cyndi Lauper songs. Stranger Things does this brilliantly. This film does not. Aside from a brief segment in which Chris Pine tries on on a bum belt, Wonder Woman 1984 barely bothers to do anything with its ‘80s vibes. The whole film is about as fun as dealing with haemorrhoids.
Why are there two dudes?
Early on, we’re expected to believe that the stupendously beautiful Gal Gadot is sad and lonely. She’s so pathetically undateable she uses the wishing stone (still so much WTF here) to bring her dead pilot boyfriend back to life. So here’s what happens: this dude shows up but after a few moments he turns into a completely different dude. That dude, my friends, is Chris Pine. I repeat, HE TURNS INTO CHRIS PINE. It’s never explained why. Ever.
Speaking of which…
Chris Pine’s entire presence in this film is entirely pointless. His whole role is to run around being amazed at all of this amazing ‘80s future-tech (escalaters are so, like, woah, dude) and get in the way while Wonder Woman does Wonder Womany things. I wanted him to die so badly. And violently. I don’t think that should be the point of a film’s male lead.
There’s not so much Wonder Woman
In the film’s first 90 minutes, you will see Wonder Woman in her Wonder Woman outfit exactly once. In a film called “Wonder Woman” that is absolutely inexplicable.
Another thing that’s inexplicable….
…is the film’s use of Kristen Wiig. She’s so ridiculously funny. She’s my favourite, a comic who shines when she gets to play up to her hammy, awkward charms. Here, she plays a stammering nerd who gets her hands on the wishing stone (yep) and asks to become … wait for it … Wonder Woman. This film barely has any use for one Wonder Woman. Why try and shoehorn another in there?
The CGI is point blank terrible
It’s just super bad. Sorry to everyone who worked on it. It looked like shit.
What’s with that opening sequence?
I mean, an Olympics-sized gymnastics routine featuring superhuman moves by the child that will become Wonder Woman is impressive, if a tad long. But it has absolutely no impact on the film that comes after it. None. It’s like they made an oversized Super Bowl commercial but couldn’t afford the slot so they chucked it at the start of the movie. That’s not how good movies are made.
It’s so very long
If you have two hours and 35 minutes free, do something else. Anything else. Plant a vege garden. Design your own board game. Slow cook some brisket. Shampoo your pets. Untangle all those power cords in your bottom drawer. Do anything other than watching this film. Consider yourself warned.
They’re already committed to making a sequel
Don’t. Stop it. We’ve had one good Wonder Woman film, and one absolute butt tearer. Let’s leave her alone. If I had a wishing stone, this would be my only wish: Stop it.
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