This Eden Park situation is sad, silly and stupid

FFS, just let the best stadium in Auckland put on some damn shows.

• A quick warning: I’m pretty fired up about this subject, so today’s post contains a lot of swearing. If there are littlies around, maybe don’t read it aloud to them. Not that you’d do that. But I have kids, I know what it’s like, they read over my shoulder all the time. I’m just giving you advance warning about all the f-bombs, because this shit is farking stoopid…

Look at this photo. Like, really look at it. This is a dude wearing a crisp polo shirt, a white hat and a pair of very clean sneakers, perfecting his golf swing on a hot, sunny Auckland day. There’s nothing weird about that; lots of Aucklanders play golf.

The only difference is that he’s not on a golf course. He’s at Eden Park, Auckland’s premiere sporting stadium, based in Mount Eden.

Presumably, he’s trying to hit the ball through the rugby goal posts on the northern end of the grounds and onto a makeshift golfing green. Once he’s done that, he’ll wander down the stairs, clamber over the crowd barrier with his putter, saunter across the stadium’s perfectly-cut grass, then attempt to send that ball home, into its small, round hole.

All of this, all of it, is absolutely fucking stupid.

It’s insane. If you want to play golf, you go to a golf course, not Eden fucking Park. It’s a sports stadium, the best Auckland has. You go to Eden Park to see the All Blacks trounce Australia at rugby. You go there to buy ridiculously expensive beer and chips and watch the Black Caps take on an outclassed West Indies in a T20 match.

Or, as I have done many times, you go there to watch the Wellington Phoenix football team lose to a group of ragtag Aussies they get really close to beating, but then don’t.

Here’s what you don’t do: you don’t go to Eden Park to play fucking golf.

But that’s the situation Eden Park finds itself in. It’s desperate for cash. Look at all the other insane shit - sorry, “experiences” - they’re offering: Zipline rides across the stadium; rooftop and stadium tours; something called ‘Haka on the Park,’ an “authentic Maori cultural experience”; and, finally, “Staydium Glamping”.

Staydium. Glamping.

STAYDIUM GLAMPING.

WTAF?

No one wants to do this. I certainly don’t. Waking up in a cold, empty stadium in an expensive tent, pulling open the curtains to reveal a bunch of empty seats, ordering breakfast from Uber Eats, certainly isn’t my idea of a good holiday. If I wake up in a tent, I want to be near a beach, around family and friends and dogs, not in a creepy empty arena.

Honestly, what is the point of all of this?

The point is that Eden Park needs money. It’s already been bailed out to the tune of $63 million. It lost more money during Covid-19 this year. Then one of their big screens broke, resulting in this fracas. That shit is a mess.

The main problem seems to be that Eden Park isn’t allowed to operate as a fully functional stadium. It’s not allowed to do everything a stadium is supposed to do. Its hands are tied, it’s feet are bound. Basically, it’s operating at 45 per cent capacity.

That’s because it’s not allowed to host shows. Most stadiums and arenas around the world are allowed to host big, outrageous, oversized, massive money-spinning concerts featuring megastars. Adele. Beyonce. Paul McCartney. Elton John. They’re the kind of acts that should be playing there on the reg, pulling in punters in their droves.

Only, they’re not.

In Eden Park’s 120 years of existence, not a single show has been hosted there.

Western Springs Stadium has shows. Mt Smart Stadium hosts tonnes of them - it used to be home to the Big Day Out. Trusts Arena in West Auckland has them too. I’ve even been to gigs at North Harbour Stadium. They weren’t great, and it’s miles away, but they tried.

Everyone does them. Except Eden Park.

Why?

Basically, it boils down to this: a small group of Mt Eden residents, including former Prime Minister Helen Clark, have so far managed to stop Eden Park from hosting the six shows a year it’s allowed to under the unitary plan. They complain, a lot. They say the noise will be too much, stage set up times will displace sports events, and, apparently, it will make windows rattle in nearby homes. Cry me a river.

Here’s some news: you live in New Zealand’s biggest city, in a very central suburb. You already get noise, you already get crowds, you already get late night events, because you chose to live in a suburb with a giant stadium in the middle of it. You can handle an extra six concerts a year.

If you can’t, sell your house for the $3 million-plus that it’s probably worth and go buy yourself a lovely country estate. Raise some alpacas. Put your feet up. You can afford the peace and quiet. Stop hurting the stadium, and the city, and the music industry, with your ridiculous fucking complaints.

But all this also boils down to something else. It’s clear that Eden Park can’t survive on sporting events alone, because it’s not. They’re clearly struggling. No one turns their stadium arena into a fucking golf course or a glamping venue unless they’ve absolutely run out of ideas. It’s not working. It isn’t going to work.

You also don’t make a cheesy, celeb-filled video like this one unless you need some serious help.

It’s clear that if something isn’t done soon, the stadium might not survive. And that would be a crying shame. We need Eden Park, and we need to let it host gigs. A massive Elton John concert could help this situation, so too would one by Six60, who are trying to become the first band to play there.

What’s not going to help the situation, or any situation, is ziplining. Ziplining through a stadium is fucking stupid.