This is the sickest shit I have ever seen.

The Paris Olympics gets off to a "demonic" start.

Anyone who’s seen the heartbreaking Prime Video documentary I Am: Celine Dion – the one that ends with the Canadian singer spasming on a gurney over her battle with Stiff Person Syndrome – is left with just one thought.

Well, she’s never going to perform again.

So, when Dion showed up for the opening ceremony of the Paris 2024 Olympics last night, fans had every right to be worried.

Instead, Dion performed for a ridiculously operatic four minutes nailing every note while standing on the effing Eiffel Tower.

It was, for sure, a holy-fuck-did-that-just-happen? moment.

Perhaps fellow belter Kelly Clarkson – in Paris acting as a commentator for last night’s opening ceremony – said it best when she could only stammer: “I actually can’t talk.”

As momentous and headline-grabbing as Dion’s performance was, we’re not here today to talk about that.

Because something even better happened.

It involved a castle covered in pyro.

It included a headless Marie Antoinette singing in tongues.

It had a band playing so far off the ground they needed to be secured to anchor points like abseilers.

At one point a glitter-covered ship sailed into view…

At another, this hooded figure was forced to stop lighting fires for a moment…

And then - and then! - it rained blood…

The day after joke-rock band Tenacious D was supposed to perform in Auckland but wimped out over five silly words, a French quartet nearly three decades into their career spent three minutes more than making up for it by quite possibly accomplishing the most metal thing to ever happen.

I am, of course, talking about the heavy metal group Gojira’s Olympics performance atop a castle (I can’t find a decent YouTube video so, if you haven’t yet seen it, go brave this link courtesy of the wild west that is X.)

I have watched this constantly since it happened last night.

I love everything about it.

I love that it’s cut, edited and shot like a war movie.

I love that it occurred during what is traditionally a staid, boring spectacle everyone wades through just to get to the 100-metre sprint finale.

I love the confusion it is causing…

I love seeing our buggest media companies struggling to cover it for a mainstream audience.

It’s all just so fucking metal.

I have seen the German heavy metal act Rammstein throw dildos into a crowd then row across their moshpit in an inflatable dinghy.

I have seen the Tool front man Maynard James Keenan perform in his underwear while covered in tiny reflective dots to turn himself into a human mirror ball.

I have seen Marilyn Manson stand at a pulpit tearing pages from a bible while a giant neon light behind him flashes the word: “Drugs.”

This, though, tops all of that.

Right now, it ranks as the sickest shit I’ve ever seen, and I’m not sure anything will ever get the chance to top it.

\m/

Thanks for being here! Sign up for regular Boiler Room newsletters by pushing this big blue button…