Hey New Zealand, your top 10 Netflix lists are absolutely terrifying
What the hell are we all watching?
Over this past weekend, there was plenty to enjoy. Benee played two sold out Spark Arena shows, Shapeshifter performed at the Auckland Town Hall, and on Sunday at Eden Park you could fork over around $150 to watch the All Blacks sort their shit out and trounce Australia for hopefully the first of many times this year.
Oh yeah, there was also an election to take part in, a brilliantly entertaining night that has given us two brilliantly bonkers moments: the delightful John Campbell giving a desperate Hilary Barry the finger as she tries to shut him down to end TVNZ’s election night coverage, and Tova O’Brien digging a hole, building a coffin then spending four minutes inviting Jami-Lee Ross to jump into it.
Apparently, and amazingly, plenty of Kiwis found other things to do across this jam-packed weekend. Like bingeing Adam Sandler’s absolute shocker of a film Hubie Halloween so much it made Netflix’s top 10 most viewed list.
This is disappointing. Sandler has made plenty of good films, like the recent sugar rush of Uncut Gems, but this is not one of them. This holiday special is decidedly a shocker, a film described by IGN as “aggressively stupid”, one that has gathered a mere 45 per cent approval rating on Metacritic.
And yet, we love it.
That’s not all. I’ve been following Netflix’s top 10 list for months now, jotting down all of the insane stuff we keep bingeing, taking screen shots of the absolute garbage we seem to collectively enjoy streaming. This might be Netflix, but it is most definitely not chill.
For some reason, back in June, several Christmas movies suddenly emerged among among our most viewed list. How the Grinch Stole Christmas was on there. The Smurfs: A Christmas Carole was on there. Were we all suddenly cooking up turkeys and bingeing festive fare for a mid-year Christmas celebration? I need a six-part true crime podcast to understand this.
This insanity continues. Last week, much-derided TV series Emily in Paris was No. 1 and Sandler’s Hubie Halloween was No. 2, while Mark Wahlberg sentimentality session Instant Family, animated shocker The Smurfs 2 and Angelina Jolie’s 2010 action caper Salt were all in the top 10.
Right now, the 2015 Robert de Niro and Anne Hathaway snore-fest Intern is in the mix. What the actual hell, New Zealand?
Maybe everyone thinks Netflix is the only streaming option out there, but it’s not. I pointed this out a while ago. Amazon Prime Video is so cheap, and so chock-full of good stuff it’s a no-brainer. All or Nothing: Tottenhom Hotspur is a fascinating footie doco, Undone is beautiful, and The Boys features Kiwis Karl Urban and Antony Starr fighting it out and is bloody and brilliant.
Neon, too, is also a fantastic option. All of HBO’s back catalogue is on there, so you can dive into The Wire and The Sopranos and Six Feet Under for a second or third time. Plus it’s full of brilliant new shows, like Michaela Coel’s unbeatable I May Destroy You, and on Wednesday the stunning deep dive NXIVM documentary The Vow begins. You should watch that, but not at night, because it gets into your dreams. It did mine.
If you can’t afford either of those services, there are plenty of free options. TVNZ On Demand has a new season of Educators, an unscripted New Zealand comedy about rogue teachers that might be my favourite local show of the year. It’s got the latest season of Leigh Hart’s Late Night Big Breakfast, another goodie. Next month, it will have Black Hands, the Bain family drama that’s shaping up to be excellent.
ThreeNow has so a tonne of solid local content too, including Goldenboy, Westside, Mean Mums, and both the UK and NZ versions of Grand Designs to binge.
There’s so much stuff! Let your kids watch something more sustaining than bad Smurf films! To paraphrase a particularly bad conspiracy theory quote being overused these days, do your own research! Because there’s more to life than bad Adam Sandler movies. So, so much more.